I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
