The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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