He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
