I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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