We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
