some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
