I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
