I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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