why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
