careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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