totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
