I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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