youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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