3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
