and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Drunk is not a location!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
