In the future we'll all be gay
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Sext me about skeletons
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
