listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
