I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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