one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Everything about him screamed your future.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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