dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
