I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
