Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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