I wish they made helmets for livers.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
