When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I want to be your penis for a week.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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