It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
