There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
the liver wants what the liver wants
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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