I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I supernannyed him into submission
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
