I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
