Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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