i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
