The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
