Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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