i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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