omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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