I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
