You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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