I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
