Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
