Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
