Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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