also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
