So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
