I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
