Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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