Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
