somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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