The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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