3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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