I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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