I hate all girls vehemently.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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