guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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