I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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