FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
