The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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