You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
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