Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
