I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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