chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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