this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Let's get the cat blown out
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
