all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
