I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
